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07
Feb 13

We’re All Just Bags of Shapes

GOD. Aren’t you tired of magazines like Cosmo telling you what to wear for your “body type,” but sticking with the same, lame shapes? Hourglass, pear-shaped, apple, spoon, inverted triangle, diamond… (No, for realz, these are body types, not just names of marijuana.)

Buzzfeed coughed up the good stuff — the accurate body-shapes that women’s magazines just don’t like to talk about.

Here’s the first one.

15 Ways To Dress For Your Weirdly Specific Body Shape

1. Pile of Towels

 

 

 

If your body shape is “pile of towels” avoid soft, flowing fabrics and go for a more structured look like a blazer with jeans.

 

 

Hilarious. Read the rest. Personally, I’m shaped like an inverted feather duster, which isn’t on the list. Fuck. Left out again!

cosmo — Leave a comment
06
Nov 12

Cosmo Tips + Literature = More Fun

McSweeney’s published a fantastic piece by Priya-Alika Elias a while back called Famous Writers’ Cosmo Tips. 

Here’s my favorite one:

Ernest Hemingway

And you silently tipped the ice-cube down his shirt. The ice-cube was cold. His body was hot. The cold ice-cube felt good inside his shirt. He didn’t feel hot. The sun began to beat down on the man, and the shirt, and the ice. The ice-cube began to melt. It was not a bad feeling. It was a tingly feeling.

 

Make sure to read the rest here. If we could somehow convince the Cosmo staff to put out a “Shakespeare” edition every year, that would be great. Somebody get on that while I go put ice on my imaginary boyfriend’s nipples.

cosmo / doodles — Leave a comment
05
Nov 12

Nude Dudes

Today’s Cosmo snippet is brought to you by none other than your own imagination. (You filthy pervert.)

Pg. 40 of the November issue flaunts your biggest flirty, fun-filled, faux-phallic fantasy:

IS THAT DUDE NUDE?

Is That Dude Nude

That’s right. “If you squint really hard, you can imagine these shirtless celebs are letting it all hang out for real.”

Show of hands. How many of you are intently staring at the looming black boxes, imagining the wondrous dongs that lie underneath?

I didn’t think so. But never fear, Cosmonots! For your viewing pleasure, I’ve replaced the black boxes with stuffs more entertaining than flaccid flapdoodles. Check it.

Joe Jonas

Keep your immoral eyes off Joe Jonas’ junk! Stay focused on the man between his legs. The love of his life, his lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Robert Patinson

Robby Pattinson could definitely use some vampire dolphin repellent around his hanging-ten. This oughta help him out! (PS: I Googled “Vampire Dolphin Repellent” and something actually came up. Apparently, this is a band. No, for realz. Amazing.)

Nick Lachey

Lalala banana delivery!

Scott Speedman

Fact: the unicorn is the most lovable of all horned animals, followed closely by the friendly narwhal.

Justin Bartha

 Careful, Justin! That pooch has milkbone on the brain!

Ryan Reynolds

Yeah… I dunno where this one came from. By the time I was done doodling it I didn’t feel like deleting it. Something about the shrubbery he was standing in led me to a sort of Adam-and-Eve thing. Sorry about that. Pretend it didn’t happen and just let yourself be hypnotized by his magnificent TROUSER SNAKE, ladies.

Alex O

 Mmmm. 7-11 goodie bag…

Mark Walberg

And last, but certainly not least, a man whose power walking skills are only surpassed by his own pussy charming abilities.

Thank you, thank you. I’ll see myself out.

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04
Nov 12

Pens are for men. Bic is for women.

Oof. Finally, a pen that I can balance between my dainty, delicately sensual index finger and my buxom, earth-mother thumb. Bic has finally given us a way to communicate with the men-folk, after centuries of drooling in spiral notebooks and crying tears of illiterate frustration into moleskins. Thank the lord. Praise the ink gods.

I’m not the only one who thinks this whole marketing fiasco is hilarious. Check out Ellen Degeneres’ response. She nails it.

comics / cosmo — Leave a comment
01
Nov 12

Dignified Women, #1

(cosmo tip: november, 2012; pg. 10)

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20
Oct 12

Welcome to Cosmonots

Hello there. Ohhh, the first post. It’s always intimidating, isn’t it? The blank page and all that. But here we are.

I’m Dani. I’m a writer, a journalist, and I typically focus on women, culture, and (most often) where the two collide.

I’m interested in 1.) how women are represented both socially and artistically 2.) how the media speaks to (and about) women, and 3.) the evolving social narrative of “womanhood.” I believe, vehemently, that it’s critical to discuss and break it all down, and to question every damn thing that we consider “normal.”

SO. All of that being said, I believe in humor, and the ridiculous, and the satirical. And if we’re going to talk about women, culture, and humor… where else would we possibly start but with Cosmopolitan Magazine?

Cosmo. You’ve seen it, you’ve read it, you’ve laughed with friends about the whacked-out sex tips, advice, and stories. And you’ve probably wondered (like I have) what would happen if you actually followed through with any of it.

Lucky for you, you don’t need to look any further for answers; I’ve tricked enlisted two of my friends (and my new assistant) to try out Cosmo‘s advice. You’ll get to watch the results on camera in the upcoming months. I’m stoked to see what will happen. (To learn more about these unwilling lovely participants, click on “Meet the Cosmonots” above.)

So we’ll start with Cosmo and its contemporaries, and we’ll go from there. Capisce? (Holy crap, did you know that’s how you spell kapeesh? I didn’t.)

Welcome to Cosmonots.